Friday, June 18, 2010

I HATE YOU!!!!!

I feel like I am LOOSING IT....

I am so highly irritated and angry and just want to SCREAM....

I hate feeling like I am loosing control over my emotions. I find that I get HIGHLY irritated at hubby for NO REASON... so then because I am irritated at him I turn around and take it out on the boys.

You know the ugly witch in The Wizard of Oz? I swear that is what I look like when I am yelling ( minus the green skin, ) I do have the crooked nose and wart though =)

But seriously WHAT THE HECK???? I know that alot of it is due in part to today's date.

Yep 2 years ago I became woman-less.

You know its funny I didn't even realize it was the 18th until I started typing this, Its strange Its like my body KNEW that it was the 18th and was lashing out because of it.

You see I suffered daily with endometriosis . I was never supposed to have kids but with the help of modern medicine and LOTS of prayers ( thank you LORD ) I was blessed with 2 boys.

But I still suffered daily with pain, SO I did what most woman that suffer with it do. I GAVE UP THE FIGHT and threw in the towel and had my womanhood ripped from me.

I can say for the first 7 months I honestly HATED hubby. I hated him for not stopping me from doing it, I hated him because no matter what HE COULD STILL HAVE KIDS... And I could not.
I know with out a doubt we will be together forever, but that thought WHAT IF lingered.

I know alot of woman have their tubes tied or have a Hysterectomy by choice and that's all fine and dandy for those that go into it choosing to do it.

But when you are someone like me that gets thrown into it with the choice of living a pain free life or suffering its just not fair.

I hate you disease, I hate that I had to make that choice, I hate that woman all over the world are struggling and suffering with infertility and pain,. I hate that there is very little research being done, I hate that I am not alone in this pain,

I HATE YOU!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!

As I sit here the tears are flowing freely. I remember the pain I was in when I woke up after the surgery as if it were yesterday, I remember the smell of the room and the sound of babies crying int he distance. ( someone in their infinite wisdom thought that it was best to put a woman having a hysterectomy on the Maternity ward )

I remember knowing that I was never going to feel a life in me move again. I was never going to be Me again. I had to not become someone different.

I remember people who had NO clue what I went through on a daily basis say those 5 stupid words

" Be thankful you have 2 "

REALLY??? BE THANKFUL????? WHY????

I wanted 6 kids, I wanted to have a house full of kids, I wanted to know that I was a whole woman.

What????

I can't MOURN THE LOSS OF THE BABIES I WILL NEVER HAVE??? THE LOSS OF MY RIGHT AS A WOMAN???

Needless to say it was a TOUGH recovery, Not the physical aspect but the emotional one.

Its been 2 years I have not taken HRT's ( Hormone Replacement Therapy ) for many reason

1 I didn't like the thought of chemicals in my body FAKING the " REAL WOMAN " feeling

2-I was and still am afraid of the possibility of breast cancer

3-I am not one to remember to take a pill daily so What the heck. besides at that point I had been thrust into menopause 5 times. I managed to come out of them fine so I figured I could handle this. ( which for the most part I do. )

Now I know I get moody sometimes. OK FINE A LOT but I think I am pretty good for the most part. I do have the hot flashes DAILY and the night sweats. and I sleep like dog Dukie. ( MAYBE I DO NEED SOMETHING. ) hehehe

but all in all. I am and have lived pain free for the past 2 years.

And I pray ALOT, for without praying to the Lord I would have went postal ALONG TIME AGO...

2 comments:

More Milestones said...

I'm sorry for your pain. In praying for you, I remembered something He brought to my mind as I was REALLY despressed about life.
"If you can't be happy with ALL that I've blessed you with, why should I give you anything more?", this is the tought that entered my head as if He had said it right to me...maybe He had.
Again, I am so deeply sorry for your pain.
~Mona

Mindy Skains Independant Scentsy Consultant said...

Mona that is a beautiful thought. Thank you so much

Blessings